CRIB NOTES: The French Grand Prix
Everything you need to know to bluff your way through this weekend on Twitter.
THE FRENCH GP, EH?
Yes! It’s a sort of traffic jam in the south of France. We’re all very excited, there hasn’t been one since — and put this down in smudged writing on your hand — since 2008.
COR THAT’S AGES
If you think that’s long, it’s not been at Paul Ricard since 1990.
SACRE BLEU
Mais oui. In fact that was so long ago that the fastest Formula One lap at the circuit was set by Keke Rosberg.
DIDN’T HE WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP THE OTHER YEAR?
No no, you’re thinking of his son Nico. Whose longstanding rival Lewis Hamilton of course won the championship in 2008.
BLOODY HELL THIS IS COMPLICATED
I know! And we’re not even talking about tyres yet.
SO WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT THE FRENCH GRAND PRIX THEN?
Well, in a sense it is the original Grand Prix or at least ‘grand prix’ is French for ‘big prize’ which actually sounds far less intellectual and elegant when you translate it. ‘Ah yeah it’s Dave Muggers, 14 time Big Prize winner’ — some things are just better in French.
LIKE FORMULA ONE, SAY?
Well, let’s hope so. Paul Ricard has a bit of a reputation as a boring track — but who knows, it might not be. The last time cars raced here was so long ago that Rosberg’s aforementioned fastest lap was in the then-dominant turbocharged Honda, a record the Japanese manufacturer is unlikely to retain after this weekend.
WHO’S GOING TO BE GOOD, THEN? ANYONE I’VE HEARD OF?
Have you heard of Ferrari? They are doing quite well this year. But then so are Mercedes and Hamilton’s actually done quite a lot of testing at Paul Ricard, for Pirelli, last year.
WHO?
Ah, the tyre manufacturer.
THE WHAT NOW?
Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to have to talk about this but you know Formula One?
SORT OF
Make the Formula One noise. Under your breath, if you’re in the office. Do it.
OK
Yeah, it doesn’t sound like that anymore.
WHAT?
Sorry, you might have missed a bit. The cars are hybrid now (which is good not bad) and we all talk about tyres all the time.
WHY?
I think because it is easier than admitting that we have never really understood how F1 cars worked whether they were hybrid or not. Anyway, everyone’s going to bang on about who’s got softs, super softs or ultrasofts on.
SO THEY’RE ALL SOFT?
Yeah basically. Try not to think about it too hard but in theory the softer the tyre, the faster you go but the less time they last.
THEY STILL RACE, THOUGH?
Oh yes. In principle it’s all the format you know and love: everyone drives in a circle for a bit, the person who drives fastest round the circle gets to start at the front (‘qualifying’) and then we do a race where the person who finishes the number of laps they are meant to do first wins. Unless it stops a lap early for some reason.
WHY WOULD IT DO THAT?
Everyone was a bit bored and thought it was the end last time but it was not quite the end except that once you’ve told them it’s the end then it is.
WELL, NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
No but it is very fast and quite loud.
WHAT CAN I TWEET THEN?
Well thank goodness you asked. Here’s some sample comments:
- It’d be funny if Honda beat Renault at their home race again.
- Ferrari have the pace but do Mercedes have the motivation?
- I reckon [insert driver name of your choice here] has gone off the boil here, form as lacklustre as the circuit.
- Rain could make it interesting. Or not.
- If you can’t overtake with them they are not very good race cars are they.
- More traffic on that flying lap than the queues to get in.
RIGHT THEN THAT’S ME SET
Off you go! Remember, no matter how ill-informed or non-factually based your thoughts are, you should definitely share them furiously on social media.
