Apr 20, 2018
How to make decent guacamole
I do not know if this guacamole is authentic; I’ve been to mexico and although I did have some some salsa verde with avocado in that was very delicious, I saw absolutely no guacamole. Apparently it was made up by the Aztecs though so that’s good enough for me.
This isn’t maybe the best guacamole but it is decent, it ticks the boxes and I think it’s very tasty. If you just want to make some guac, this is a good way to do that.
It is guacamole weather. Put your store bought avocadoes on the kitchen window sill and watch those little guys soften to perfection. Finally, in the UK, we have the solar technology to ripen pears for these brief few months of relative warmth.
Guacamole is a joy. A tangy, fresh dip that’s summery, sharp and just a little bit of heat. Nothing finer to stick your crisps in than a big pot of our green friend and many store bought guacamoles are fine, I don’t judge you if you grab one in Sainsbury’s or whatever.
Making guac is easy though — and does definitely make it that little bit more delicious. Unfortunately, many of you do horrible things in the process and I am calling you all the fuck out on this shit.
Here is how to make a perfectly decent guacamole without doing anything offensive to civilised society.
INGREDIENTS:
Two decently-sized avocados (you need to make a bowlful of mash so make a call on how many you need)
Half a red onion, finely chopped and I mean FINELY like mince that thing as closely as you can — contrary to several popular sandwich outlets’ views, raw red onion is a flavour overwhelm and you don’t want that to be the only taste
One smallish or half a largish tomato, chopped fine enough that it’s kinda disintegrating. Don’t remove the seeds or juice, it’s al good flavour but do avoid the stalk.
One normal or in the case here two extremely undersized cloves of garlic, crushed
Half a lime, juiced
Half a red chilli, chopped as finely as you can
Finely chopped fresh coriander; if you can get it bunched, I think the stalks go particularly well in a guac mix
METHOD:
- Open, core and mash up your avocados. If you’ve never done this before or for some reason are not a millennial, this means slicing round the avocado, deep enough to hit the stone, then twisting and the two halves will come apart. Flick out the stone with a knife and keep it, it’s useful later. Now score the avocado flesh, before digging it out with a spoon. Doesn’t matter if it gets a bit mangled because we’re going to mash it but try to avoid any grey or brown bits just cus they’re not very tasty. Put all the avocado flesh in a bowl and mash the fuck out of it. Use a potato masher or a fork, depending on the level of ripeness and dear god do NOT use your hands I don’t care what Jamie Oliver says, that is just nasty. Once it’s fairly mashed, leave it to one side with the stones in to stop it going brown while you’re prepping everything else
- Anything you haven’t chopped or sorted out already, do that.
- Take the stones out of the avocado mash, put everything else in.
- Stir it round a bit. You could add a little salt to season.
- THAT IS IT.
Now you might be like ‘well Hazel this seems somewhat patronising’ but several of my friends, despite knowing my views on guacamole, have recommended to me this year that I watch Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Aside from the fact I don’t seem to be able to tune into the feel-good thing all you guys are getting out of it, the first episode features a man telling another man how to make guacamole in a way that I believe may constitute some kind of crime.
This makes me question you. Do you understand guacamole? Am I going to go to a barbecue at your house this summer and discover that you have done a crime in the dips and I don’t just mean if someone commits the atrocity of putting a fucking cheese flavour Dorito within 15m of a shared crisp condiment.
Things that go in guacamole: all of the above and sometimes I guess you can change it up, I put cumin in if I’m feeling whatever. Change the ratios, do you, I’m not a nazi.
EXCEPT there is one thing I will absolutely not tolerate which is putting YOGHURT in your GUACAMOLE there is no NEED. Please stop, it is such an overwhelming flavour to the delicious avocado — the wonderful grassy savoury taste of guacamole is not improved by being diluted with dairy overtones and a sour rise.
If you want to make a yoghurt dip, which I have no problem with, then tzatsiki is delicious. I had to ban myself from buying it because I just love getting a spoon right in there and eating the whole tub so damned much. There’s nothing wrong with yoghurt dip but guacamole is an avocado dip and I am telling you all this because I care about you deeply: do not put that shit in there.
Cutting guac with yoghurt is a way of reducing how much avocado a restaurant uses with a relatively inexpensive ingredient, regardless of whether it then tastes good. Don’t rip yourself off, get to your local any bowl £1 stand and buy a bowl of avocados and do the thing properly, you deserve not to mug yourself with inferior flavour.
I also think olive oil is a dubious addition but will allow that as something we can agree to disagree on.
